So... What's new?

So... We took a couple years and thought about what we wanted and we decided to let go of adoption for a while (children are still in the ultimate plan.. just not this second) and we bought a house in a small town outside of Omaha.

Say hello to the King Manor a.k.a. The Money Pit. Follow along as we retool the blog and share the stories that come with purchasing a house built in 1886.  While we try to get our crap together, please browse through our house. And marvel over the collection of hideous wallpaper.

The Upstairs bathroom.  Missing tiles on the vanity and nothing matches. 

Our back deck

Gazebo on back deck

Spare bedroom

Dining room

Front of Garage

Kitchen

Living room

Master Bedroom

Stairway

Post 100 is full of doom and gloom

Remember when I shared my secret fears about taking in 2 boys from foster care outside of our comfort/age range? No? Oh...check it out here...Done reading that? Did you see the amazing, supportive comments from the always beautiful Jeannie at One Wish Short...of Paradise? She has been an absolute angel and one of my biggest supporters.

So...truth is that we weren't prepared to parent a child with major rage issues and suicidal idealations. D and I found this out the hard way the first weekend in December when one of the boys had a 26 hour rage where he tried to hurt himself, kicked at a kitten, tore up his bedroom, threatened multiple times to kill himself and me, and saw/heard things that weren't there. I ended up having to call the police to come take him to the hospital to make sure he was ok after HOURS of pounding his head into the walls. He was admitted to the children's psych ward where he  stayed for 4 days.
We stayed in constant communication with the therapists and case workers asking for help or news and received nothing. D and I had a long, hard discussion and decided that it would be best for everyone is this little boy didn't live with us. He needed someone who had experience raising children with emotional and attachment disorders. We weren't given support by the team that was supposed to be helping us and I made the hardest decision I've ever had to make.
We will not be getting the boys.

Throughout all of this I have learned a few things:
1- Stay true to who I am and what dreams I have. If I'm not, everyone involved ends up getting hurt.
2- I have some of the best friends and supporters ever. I have received so many good wishes and reminders that this doesn't make me a failure or a bad person.
3- Mrs. Duggar has 20 children. That is God's plan for her...not for me. (Thank you, Sarah for that!)

I'll be tooling around with the blog for a while and starting fresh in the new year. Happy holidays and I love you guys!
-
Jenna

HOOCHIE MAMA!!!!!

You remember the Seinfeld episode where Frank (George's Father) took to screaming HOOCHIE MAMA when he needed a reminder to calm it down, right? Oh...you don't?! Whatevs. I will scream HOOCHIE MAMA as often as I can!!

HOOCHIE MAMA HOOCHIE MAMA HOOCHIE MAMA HOOCHIE MAMA HOOCH... HOOCH.... HOOCHIE MAMA!!!
There now...don't we feel better?!

My internet sister-from-another-http://mister, Jeannie @ One Wish Short of Paradise and I are teaming up to bring you Serentiy Saturdays. (Now do you understand the Hoochie Mama reference?!)
 In a season that has increasingly become crazy hectic with shopping and going above and beyond working to create the perfect memories with family in fear that you will one day end up in the 8th layer of Hell with Martha mocking your imperfect cookies and scorning your attempts to make a card worthy Christmas tree and telling you all about how you have defrauded your children of a P.E.R.F.E.C.T. Christmas while your sores fester and pop (Too gross? Imma have my Geryon fly us out of here pronto, yo!) we decided it would be an ideal time to take a few minutes to lift yourself up and get a moment of serenity.

Jeannie and I are asking that you join us in 10 minutes of meditation every day. That is 10 minutes of breathing in, and breathing out with your eyes closed, and your mind empty. Just Breathe. As part of Jeannie's meditation she recite her mantra: "Let it go. I am enough. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am loved. Let it go."
 That message is so strong and so empowering  and something that we just don't say enough. I don't know about you but I have a hard time cutting myself some slack (and saying 'no') and it leaves me feeling worn down and empty at the end of the season.
Aside from FOCUSED BREATHING, we are doing yoga (Jeannie has some awesome links on her post so check it out), and journaling. Yes...that means I'll probably be writing more than one post every 3 months. But if I fail to do that, I will remind myself that I am enough. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am loved. And I will let it go.
The key part of Serentiy Saturday is to take a moment and build yourself up. We will be meeting back at Jeannie's place (on the web of course!) on Saturday to link up posts and encourage and uplift each other.  We are linking up every Serenity Saturday but we are breathing, yogaing, and journaling EVERY DAY (If possible!).
So...whatchu think, boo? You going to join us? Coo'!
Oh...I'm using the Yoga for Weight Loss DVD for my yoga sesh.

As promised, my Christmas tree!

I hate it when a llama named Carl stabs me 37 times and eats my hands.

I'm filling this post with lots of memes. I just wanted to pop up when this was searched. :)

With the gluttoney of the holiday season upon us, D and I are embarking on a No Spend Month. We certainly aren't the first to do it and it is TOTES not our idea of fun.
Due to some unforseen circumstances we have a large payment we have to make next Monday. We just moved into the new house and bascially we are First World Broke. We have enough money to pay for the basics but we are not able to spend much money this month. No worries, we will not go hungry. They boys might end up hungry if they decide to continue being picky eaters but that is their choice.

We have a nice stockpile of food thanks to over purchasing for the past couple months and we plan on eating our way through the cupboards and spending as little on groceries as possible.
So..here are the rules (ya know...if you want to join me in saving moolah and changing your spending habits):
1- If it is not necessary, don't buy it. Yes, hubs...that means out of the 8 lightbulbs you want to purchase we will only be purchasing 2. And they're for the boy's bedroom. The rest of the lights are unnecessary. And it includes the 5 hour energy drinks...get to bed before midnight and you'll be fine. Plus we bought a Kuerig coffee machine specifically for you to make coffee every morning. USE IT! It also includes Scentsy bricks, new shelves, and all the other little things I want to buy to make the house more homey. It can wait. It is not important.

2-If you are going to starve to death, BUY it! But if it is just one item that would make a dish "perfect" suck it up and deal.

3-Grocery shop but limit the extra purchases. Do we need paper towels? Yes. More toilet paper? No. We can make it the month with the last 5 rolls. A little note to my boys- IF YOU CONTINUE TO USE 1/4 A ROLL TO WIPE YOUR HEINIE I WILL HIDE THE ROLLS AND YOU WILL HAVE TO COME TO ME TO GET TP BEFORE YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM.  We are *NOT* going to continue going through one roll a weekend when we can go 2.5 weeks on one roll.

Alright. I have your attention! My goal is to spend no more than $300 on gas and groceries...for the month. We normally spend between $600-$800 on food and $450 on gas for the month. This is going to work. I am determined to make it work.
Oh..don't feel sorry for us. That big payment we have to make is to be able to take the boys on our 7 day cruise with us in January. It's their big xmas gift. ;) I will make this work.

30 acts of Kindness

I turned 30 last week and my goal was to accomplish 30 acts of kindness over the weekend. I was going to include the boys and spend the weekend doing things for others.
That SO didn't happen. I used all 30 acts on the kids. I'm counting 20 acts of kindness for not killing them. That's a big deal! They were SOOO annoying all weekend! Between the asking for an itinerary every. twenty. minutes to asking for new downloads to the ipod every. twenty. minutes to not using manners to telling me the list of foods they "hate" and won't eat including every. single. vegetable, I've pretty much been counting to twenty to cool myself down.
Maybe I've been a bit ambitious. Maybe I should just take all dang month to complete 30 acts of kindness. What a better way to lead up to Thanksgiving than that?
So! Here is the game plan; my 30 ideas for acts of random kindness:

1. Put quarters a couple candy machines outside of stores
2. Donate items to goodwill DONE!!! I cleaned out some gently used clothes and Halloweeen decorations as we were moving stuff into the new house this weekend!
3. Tuck a $1 bill in a couple of book sat the library
4. Buy a gallon of gas on a random pump.
5. Buy a Mud Ball at the Old Market Candy Shoppe for a random person. What?! You don't know what a Mud Ball is?! It's only the whole reason we moved to Omaha! Nah..it's just a benefit! They are these amazing little balls of oreo goodness covered in rich chocolate!
6. Print out inspiring quotes and leave them downtown.
7. Drop a LOVE LETTER in a random mailbox
8. Drop off some children's books at Children's Hospital.
9. Clean out the cache of travel sized soaps and toothpaste and donate them to the Rainbow House for the families staying there.
10. Mail out some "thinking of you" packets to some girls who need some extra lovin'.
11. Make cookies for the new neighbors.
12. Drop off some cookies for the waitresses at Jimmy's Egg.
13. Purchase an apple pie for the person behind me at McDonald's.
14. Bring home baked goodies to the new fire department.
15. Hand out balloons to kids downtown.
16. Leave a box of wax paper at the slides downtown.
17. Leave some Wendy's Frosty coupons in the kids' play area at the mall.
18. Leave a surprise gift for my Little.
19. Mail out pictures of the boys to my grandmother.
20. Gather the old blankets and towels and donate them to the SPCA.
21. Leave encouraging notes on cars at the gym.
22. Send a NICE note to someone I don't like. <-- totes a tough one.
23. Make dinner AND do the dishes so the hubs can watch tv...ANY show of his choice!!
24. Give the boys a bubble bath instead of showers. (It just takes SO MUCH TIME!)
25. Send a card full of love to the boys at their foster mom's house.
26. Send a card to the foster mom.
27. Send a card to the other kids in the foster home.
28. Let the boys stay up late and sleep in.
29. Give D a foot rub.
30. Pack D's lunch with a love letter in it.

I'll post pictures as they occur! What about you? What have you done to make someone's day lately??

Can I handle it?

I'm taking my cue from Megan at Millions of Miles and buckle your seatbelts because we're in for a ride.

I'm anxious about writing this (and everythign else right now too!) because we've just started down the long road to adopting our boys from foster care. If I can't handle this now, how am I EVER going to handle this?

THAT is how I'm going to handle this!

For the past month and a half D & I have been testing the waters of parenting by picking up MonkeyFace and StringBean on the weekends to make sure that they were comfortable with us and us with them before we sprung the Big News on them. After 5 weekends we sat down in a tiny room at Boys Town to meet with the Team....of like TWELVE people! Holy crap! This is a big complicated case and for that reason I can't use their names of post pictures of them. During the meeting we got the indepth details of what had been glossed over and really understood what we were getting ourselves into. We decided to move forward because we felt that we could handle the depth of hurt, anxiety, and fear of abandonment  that these boys carry around with them. Heck, I thought I could handle it with GRACE and HUMOR and not let it touch me. In short, I thought I could be a Perfect Mom. You know the kind..the kind that has fresh healthy snacks available after school and who hosts the perfect sleepovers and always has an amazing home cooked meal on the table every night.
Right. I TOTES thought I could be June Freaking Cleaver while holding a full time job, continuing my volunteer work with Big Brothers Big Sisters, sit on the board of Blessings in a Basket and organize their Adoption Walk in November, preside as President of the Southwest Omaha Optimist Club and still have a tiny bit left over to be a good wife and possibly find some me time.

Then we picked them up for our weekend after the case workers had told them that they were moving to live with us with adoption as a possible goal. Friday night was smooth sailing. Saturday night was a little rougher. MonkeyFace shared some of his secret fears and worries and broke my heart before he fell asleep. Sunday comes and I swear MonkeyFace grew horns and started harvesting souls!



This kid is freaking SCARY!

 Ok..maybe it wasn't THAT bad but seriously, I was *NOT* prepared for this! He was screaming "Don't touch me!" and "I'm going to tell everyone that you abuse me and they'll give me a NEW foster mom!" and banging his head and trying to break a chair and I refuse to believe that the meltdown was over kiwis. MonkeyFace is defiant as all get out! But then again, so am I.
I forgot all of the things I'm supposed to do and got into a battle of wills with a 10 year old. Right. Take a deep breath.  Give him time to cool down.  Use humor when I talk to him.  Ignore him until he starts acting like a human and NOT the spawn of Satan himself.  DO NOT LET HIM MAKE YOU ANGRY! 
NoooOOoOOooO...I didn't do ANY of that. Instead, I chose to argue with him and provide him with an audience until his temper tantrum had escalated to the point that I was so worried I called his foster mom and she reminded me all the things I'm supposed to do: Take a deep breath.  Give him time to cool down.  Use humor when I talk to him.  Ignore him until he starts acting like a human and NOT the spawn of Satan himself.  DO NOT LET HIM MAKE YOU ANGRY!
That along with a little break (THANK YOU, Hubs!) helped right the situation. I reminded him that he did not, in fact, have to come live with us but that his brother was and if he was going to act like he wasn't part of the family then he was going to be treated like he wasn't part of the family so he would be eating a PB&J sandwich while we at McDonalds (there goes the home cooked meal. It wasn't my fault!! I had Satan's seed thrashing around the bedroom while I tried to cook dinner!). He quickly came over and apologized and told me he was scared and worried and didn't want to move to a new home.

3 hours from the beginning of the Meltdown, we brought them back to their foster mom and I swear I aged 10 years. Now you have all the back story and I'm going to be honest with you.
I'm scared I can't do this.
I'm anxious I'm going to make a mistake and fail.
I'm worried that I'm not able to provide what the boys need.
I'm heartbroken that they are heartbroken and I know I can't wave my magic wand and fix it.
I'm having a hard time sleeping because various scenarios run through my head and I can't shut my brain off.
I'm worried that I won't love them enough.
I'm worried that they won't feel loved.
I'm anxious and scared and worried ALL day about everything and it has started to affect my work.
I'm making a call to my doctor and we're going to restart the Lexapro. It has been 2 years since I've needed it (I took it right after our failed infertility treatments) and I just need a little something to help me deal with the stress from all the changes.
Y'all...I feel like a failure and it has only been ONE rough weekend. How the hell am I going to do this everyday? If you could send some love and support my way, I'd appreciate it.
xxoo

Bursting at the seams!

I have been DYING to share our good news! D & I will be adopting 2 boys out of foster care! Beanpole (13) and MonkeyFace (10) will be joining our family over Christmas break and starting school in January. We have been picking them up during the weekends and we will slowly start to transition them into our home.
We are thrilled to be able to complete our family this way. :)