Can I handle it?

I'm taking my cue from Megan at Millions of Miles and buckle your seatbelts because we're in for a ride.

I'm anxious about writing this (and everythign else right now too!) because we've just started down the long road to adopting our boys from foster care. If I can't handle this now, how am I EVER going to handle this?

THAT is how I'm going to handle this!

For the past month and a half D & I have been testing the waters of parenting by picking up MonkeyFace and StringBean on the weekends to make sure that they were comfortable with us and us with them before we sprung the Big News on them. After 5 weekends we sat down in a tiny room at Boys Town to meet with the Team....of like TWELVE people! Holy crap! This is a big complicated case and for that reason I can't use their names of post pictures of them. During the meeting we got the indepth details of what had been glossed over and really understood what we were getting ourselves into. We decided to move forward because we felt that we could handle the depth of hurt, anxiety, and fear of abandonment  that these boys carry around with them. Heck, I thought I could handle it with GRACE and HUMOR and not let it touch me. In short, I thought I could be a Perfect Mom. You know the kind..the kind that has fresh healthy snacks available after school and who hosts the perfect sleepovers and always has an amazing home cooked meal on the table every night.
Right. I TOTES thought I could be June Freaking Cleaver while holding a full time job, continuing my volunteer work with Big Brothers Big Sisters, sit on the board of Blessings in a Basket and organize their Adoption Walk in November, preside as President of the Southwest Omaha Optimist Club and still have a tiny bit left over to be a good wife and possibly find some me time.

Then we picked them up for our weekend after the case workers had told them that they were moving to live with us with adoption as a possible goal. Friday night was smooth sailing. Saturday night was a little rougher. MonkeyFace shared some of his secret fears and worries and broke my heart before he fell asleep. Sunday comes and I swear MonkeyFace grew horns and started harvesting souls!



This kid is freaking SCARY!

 Ok..maybe it wasn't THAT bad but seriously, I was *NOT* prepared for this! He was screaming "Don't touch me!" and "I'm going to tell everyone that you abuse me and they'll give me a NEW foster mom!" and banging his head and trying to break a chair and I refuse to believe that the meltdown was over kiwis. MonkeyFace is defiant as all get out! But then again, so am I.
I forgot all of the things I'm supposed to do and got into a battle of wills with a 10 year old. Right. Take a deep breath.  Give him time to cool down.  Use humor when I talk to him.  Ignore him until he starts acting like a human and NOT the spawn of Satan himself.  DO NOT LET HIM MAKE YOU ANGRY! 
NoooOOoOOooO...I didn't do ANY of that. Instead, I chose to argue with him and provide him with an audience until his temper tantrum had escalated to the point that I was so worried I called his foster mom and she reminded me all the things I'm supposed to do: Take a deep breath.  Give him time to cool down.  Use humor when I talk to him.  Ignore him until he starts acting like a human and NOT the spawn of Satan himself.  DO NOT LET HIM MAKE YOU ANGRY!
That along with a little break (THANK YOU, Hubs!) helped right the situation. I reminded him that he did not, in fact, have to come live with us but that his brother was and if he was going to act like he wasn't part of the family then he was going to be treated like he wasn't part of the family so he would be eating a PB&J sandwich while we at McDonalds (there goes the home cooked meal. It wasn't my fault!! I had Satan's seed thrashing around the bedroom while I tried to cook dinner!). He quickly came over and apologized and told me he was scared and worried and didn't want to move to a new home.

3 hours from the beginning of the Meltdown, we brought them back to their foster mom and I swear I aged 10 years. Now you have all the back story and I'm going to be honest with you.
I'm scared I can't do this.
I'm anxious I'm going to make a mistake and fail.
I'm worried that I'm not able to provide what the boys need.
I'm heartbroken that they are heartbroken and I know I can't wave my magic wand and fix it.
I'm having a hard time sleeping because various scenarios run through my head and I can't shut my brain off.
I'm worried that I won't love them enough.
I'm worried that they won't feel loved.
I'm anxious and scared and worried ALL day about everything and it has started to affect my work.
I'm making a call to my doctor and we're going to restart the Lexapro. It has been 2 years since I've needed it (I took it right after our failed infertility treatments) and I just need a little something to help me deal with the stress from all the changes.
Y'all...I feel like a failure and it has only been ONE rough weekend. How the hell am I going to do this everyday? If you could send some love and support my way, I'd appreciate it.
xxoo