For You are who You are no matter where I am

Music moves me. A well written verse can stick with me and make me contemplate my situations and my reactions to them. Since playing Adams Wilson on repeat I have started to incorporate some of my old favorites back into my rotation. Now I remember why I stopped listening to them. They strike a chord deep inside of me and force me to grow (or stop listening to them). 

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining...
Casting Crowns "Praise You In This Storm"

So often D and I have cried in pain, frustration, anger and jealousy over our infertility. "It's not fair!" "We would be excellent parents!" These phrases have come out of our mouths so often they are like well worn worry stones; the syllables rounded from use and comfortable to say.
We used to think that our God would miraculously step in and save the day and we would find ourselves preparing for children. For years we said "Amen" through tears and later through gritted teeth. Until one day we just couldn't do it anymore and we stopped going to church. We cut ties with all the friends we had made and our church family and decided that we were done with the kind of God that would let people hurt when they didn't need to.
We tried to say that it was because no one called when D was in the hospital or because people we had loved didn't have anything better to say at Grandma's funeral than "I'm sorry."  In reality we were spoiled toddlers in our faith and after having asked a million times and not received the answer we wanted we decided to go away and sulk.   Aunt Jessa's daughter, Doodle, has been angry with me once. She had done something and I scolded her and she was angry. She walked up to me and crossed her arms over her chest and said "We're not best friends anymore!" then stomped away. Yeah...we basically did that to God.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
(Same song..same band)

I've tried to be still and hear God's voice. I fall asleep. My attention gets pulled in 100 different directions. OOOH!! SQUIRREL!!! My mom would say that is the handiwork of the Debil!! (Use your Kathy Bate's Waterboy voice!!) I think it hurt more that I never heard the great Almighty's voice comfort me. Almost 4 years later I'm beginning to think that I wasn't listening closely enough. Maybe instead of laying in bed in silence I should have paid attention to the feeling in the pit of my stomach during worship service. Or really thought about why those simple words above are enough to make me cry.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
(Once again...same song..same band. Sense a theme here?)

I was raised in a "religious" house. My mother and grandmother are bible thumpers from way back. "Pray about it" was one of the most commonly used "Jesus-isms" in my house aside from "Praise JEE-susss!!"  When I moved out I revolted against God and church and my mother. I stumbled in my faith which was never very strong to begin with. I felt I couldn't find my way; I felt like I was drowning and I would never find peace.
Grandma brought D and I to church (long story..) and we felt like we were home. I felt like I had found a family. I grew in my faith and felt the support it gave me in tough times. Then we struggled to have children and I walked away again. It's hard to have faith in a God when you are hurting and you feel He's turned His back. It's hard to open yourself up to hearing His voice in the middle of your storm. It's much easier to turn Pandora on and listen to music and squelch all those feelings down and pretend it doesn't matter. And then an unexpected song comes on that speaks directly to me. I am going to make the conscious decision to work through this.

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

(Do I need to say it again?!)