3 month recap

Lately (past 6 months or so) I've been obsessed with making sure that I'm living a life that I enjoy and that has meaning. D & I reassessed our life and realized that aside from work, and watching TV with friends that we didn't DO anything. D and I wanted to be DOERS not VIEWERS. Unfortunately this meant making BIG changes to our lives and not everybody was happy with these changes. I'm pretty sure that I won't be on my death bed wishing I had spent more time watching TV with friends. I do know that while I definitely enjoy sitting on a couch watching tv with friends (or without!) I want a more active lifestyle.
I never expected that by trying to improve my life the people I love and care about would feel threatened or turn our lives into a competition. There is no cure that I can give for that deep rooted insecurity that can creep into a friendship when the status quo changes or when one member starts to grow and leave the other member behind. It is like a single drop of dye into a glass of water; it colors everything and it is very hard to contain. I know that I've been the one that has been jealous and I know that I've been the one who hasn't been. At some point, the waters become murky and clouded and it can be hard to see the reasons for maintaining the friendship.

One of my resolutions this year was to branch out and grow. I've joined a new volunteer group, D & I are about to meet our new Little Brother, I've invested in new friendships, D & I have planned some fun activities for our immediate future. None of this means that I love the people in my lives any less; it just means that I have more experiences & adventures to share. I am not going to sit around and wait for someone to decide that they have time for me. If I'm an option, why are you my priority?

***If you're reading this, J, I truly hope that we can fix this. You're right; it has felt like a chore to maintain the friendship. But it's felt that way a lot longer than January for me. You can't expect to "put me on a shelf" for long periods of time when you're too busy or too tired or just don't want to deal with me and not expect it to get awkward. I'm not in competition with anyone but ME and it does feel like anytime I do something, you feel the need to one up me. I'm not going to play games and be passive aggressive about our friendship and I'm not going to resort to childish high school games.  I'm also not going to talk about you behind your back and given the things you've said about your friends to me and the way that a mutual friend had started acting, I'm pretty sure that you will. Do me a favor and don't. “There are times when two people need to step apart from one another or break up, but there is no rule that says they have to turn and fire.” –Robert Brault
The offer stands-give me a call in April when the winery opens up and we'll go have a glass of wine and see if we can't sort it out. Friendship isn't disposable.