My eyes have been opened.

Little by little my heart is breaking each day. And HE WASN'T EVEN MY CHILD. I can not imagine how my friend, Tomeko, is feeling. One week ago today, her 24 year old son had a seizure in his sleep and passed away. I was on my way to a training on life insurance when I found out and I couldn't stop thinking about it during both days of training.
Of course I sent the obligatory text/facebook message/sympathy card and called Meko to see what I could do to help but she sounded so lost and tired and it slowly started to sink in that I would never understand exactly how she feels unless I had the same experiences. She isn't going to bounce back in a week, a month, a year or ever.
Her son is dead.
Forever.
Never coming back.
And my heart broke for her. There is nothing you can say or do to ease someone's heartache. I can only hope that she has a light that helps guide her through her fog. I've spent the larger part of today fighting off tears that want to come every time I think of Joey's sweet smile and gentle disposition or of Meko's shattered heart.
I've watched Meko try to figure out how she was going to manage to give her son a funeral, struggle to come up with the funds to purchase a headstone and purchase his last outfit. The worst part is she hasn't even started to deal with the financial aftermath of taking time off of work past her THREE days of bereavement pay.
Being an insurance agent, I hear tough stories everyday. The client whose wife passed away and left him with two young daughters and no life insurance. The man who had it through work and couldn't afford to take it with him when he retired who is now unable to buy insurance due to his health. The young family with a 4 and 5 year old who would rather buy a big house, a new car, new fancy computer, and eat out frequently than make the SELFLESS decision to make the hard choice and buy insurance to protect their loved ones and the life style lived.
I've never had to watch someone I love struggle through a death. You'll probably read this and think "How sad!" and put that wall up around your heart. I want you to keep that wall down for the next couple minutes. I want you to imagine how it would feel to be you. I want to open your eyes. I want to protect you and your loved ones from the tiny fraction of Meko's heartache that I'm feeling and from the full weight of loss that is on her shoulders right now.  I want you to visit Life Foundation's website and read these stories.
After reading them, I want you to think how you would FEEL if your spouse died last Friday. What if the last paycheck you received truly was THE last? How would your family pay the rent/mortgage every month? Are they going to have to downgrade or sell their home? What dreams are they going to have to give up? College education? Financial security? Travelling? How long is your spouse/mother/father/loved one going to have before they HAVE to pull it together to go back to work? 3 days? 2 weeks? What if they just can't scrape themselves up off the floor?
Now I want you to think how you would feel if this was you. What if your loved one died last Friday and you've received the final paycheck. How long do you want to have to get it together? How long do you want to stay in your home? What dreams are you going to have to give up?
I blame myself for part of Meko's struggles. I never asked. I didn't push. I didn't want to offend or ruin a friendship. I assumed she couldn't afford it. I wish I had. I'll never get another chance.
I can't write a policy on 95% of you (because of location) but I can help you determine your NEED to cover your family's WANTS. How do you think Meko would feel if I could write her a $10,000, $50,000, $100,000 check instead of sending a measly card? Do you think she would have paid the $20 or more per month to get that check today?
Email me: Jenna@tanyaPatzner.com, call me at 402.333.1866, text me at 402.490.4862, Facebook me
and I'll help you determine what you need. There's no cost for knowledge. If you're not comfortable with that, check with a local agent.
I need you to truly feel this. You need life insurance whether you ignore it or not. You have some through work or you purchased some years ago, that's great! That's a start! How do you know if you have enough? How do you know if you never get it checked.
I'm not sorry for pushing you now and your family wouldn't be sorry for it either.

Once our eyes are opened we can not pretend we don't know what to do.  I know what I have to do.

It won't be soon before long

I don't want this to be the last picture I have of me and Grandmom. You can't see me. Aunt Doris and Grandmom look uncomfortable. B has a silly smile on his face (all he wanted to do was go play!) and David is wearing a shirt that says "You shouldn't feed pigeons chili."
Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures when I saw her in August. I was stressed about having to lug a friend with me when I went to see my grandmother to say my final goodbyes. I knew she wasn't doing well. I knew that she had been in and out of the hospital. I could see that she was tuckered out just from our one hour long visit where I sat squished in between my hubby and a nosy friend who felt the need to be a part of this big moment. But I allowed the tension between this friend and I to taint my time with my grandmother.
I didn't get to tell her what she means to me. How she was a safe haven for me to go every summer to get away from the family I grew up in. How I needed her unconditional love and how I soaked it up and it fortified me through a childhood where I was always 3rd or 4th on the list. How she made me feel special when no one else did. I didn't get to tell her that I am so sorry that I only call every couple of weeks and how I wished I lived closer so I could see her more.
My grandmother ran a red light about 8 weeks ago and slammed into a tree with enough force to shatter her pelvis, break her legs, crack some ribs and break her back. Miraculously she lived. No one knew where she was for weeks. A cousin ended up putting out a missing persons report on her and found her in a rehab unit in a full body cast. My grandmother is alone, scared, in pain and unable to move in a nursing home outside of Philadelphia. 
I get a second chance. She isn't doing well and has told my Aunt Doris that she wished the car crash had just killed her because she's so tired of living. She misses her husband who is surely waiting for her and can't wait to be free from pain. I can't let our last words be guarded because they were spoken in front of prying eyes. She's been asking for me; asking to speak to me but also telling me to stay away. She doesn't want me to come home for the funeral. She asked me to save the money it would cost for a plane ticket and put it towards our adoption. She said she was proud of me and David and of the life we've created together and that we would be great parents. Even as she is preparing to leave this world she affirms me every chance she gets.
I've chosen a name for my daughter. I have my grandmother's name as my middle name and my daughter will have my grandmother's first name as her middle name. She will be Georgianna Alyze. Alyze-Joyful, Joyus, Joy. My daughter will forever remind me of how my grandmother answered the phone with such joy in her voice to hear me.
I get a second chance at goodbye. I booked my tickets for November 17th.

And the waiting game begins!

I have a feeling we are going to get very familiar with waiting. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a fairly impatient person. I want things when I want them and it's usually NOW. So we dropped off the adoption application yesterday and I called to follow up with it today. Yeaaahhh.....It won't be reviewed until FEBRUARY!! Until then we are supposed to research the agency and research, research, research open adoptions. We aren't guaranteed a spot in the program until after they interview us and even then there are only so many spots open.

I need to hold on to our dreams. I can definitely see why people turn to religion in these situations. It's comforting to think that God is up there pulling invisible strings that will move me closer and closer towards my baby. Maybe the Chinese have it correct. Maybe there is a thread tied to each of us that connects us to someone we are destined to meet and love at some point in our lives. My child is not born yet and may not even be conceived but I am positive that he/she will find his/her way into my arms. Until then, I'll do everything I can to make our lives ready for him/her.

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.- An ancient Chinese belief

 

It's official!!!

D & I sat down last night and filled out the application for Lutheran Family Services and D is dropping it off today!!!! That's right peeps, we have taken one of the first official steps towards adopting! I want to thank all the people who have dedicated their blogs to their adoptions and anyone who has answered a question about open adoption for me. You have ALL helped educate me and it truly showed when I answered the questions on the application. While the application was tough, I believe that it may be the easiest part of this whole process! Thank you for sharing in my excitement with me!!
We also picked the picture that will define us as a couple throughout this process. It will be the picture that gets attached to our application, be the cover of our adoption profile and be my new profile picture.

Not only is it one of our favorite pictures from our photo shoot with Christie Eck last year, we feel that it gives a glimpse into our personalities as well. It says "Hi!! We're fun, and quirky. Our favorite season is fall and we are secure enough and love each other enough to be silly together!" To be honest...the smiles were genuine, we both had our eyes open and it is bound to be different (and therefore stand out) than all of the other pictures.

D & I are trying not to agonize over every little detail and just enjoy our life as it is. We don't always feel empty, like we're missing a piece.  D & I have an upcoming Blue October concert, a trip to Nebraska City, and both of our birthdays within the next few weeks. After that, D starts his crazy overtime schedule for the holidays and I won't see much of him (awake and in a good mood!) until a few days after Christmas.

Love and Marriage

Aunt Jessa, Popop, and I had a wine night scheduled for last Friday night that turned into an impromptu bachelorette party. I want to set everyone straight right now-I AM NOT A DRINKER! I get a sniff of wine and turn bright red (as you will see in pictures below!) and I know my limits. I will occasionally have a glass of wine with friends but I was all about the spinach & artichoke cheese and fresh bread on Friday night. That wine I'm holding-same glass almost all night!

Aunt Jessa just wanted the pictures to end and I had already had 1/2 a glass of wine resulting in a bright pink face!

I received an email from Aunt Jessa saying that she and Uncle Josh wanted to tie the knot on Saturday...keep in mind that I received the email on FRIDAY! Since the wondrous state of Nebraska doesn't make it difficult to get married (unless you are a same sex couple apparently), Aunt Jessa was able to get the marriage certificate on Friday night and just had to find someone to perform the ceremony. That was the tricky part. We needed someone who was ordained to pronounce them husband and wife and sign the marriage certificate. After several calls, I found ZERO judges available on such short notice and no ministers who were willing to join these two in marriage without a) being paid or b) having them complete pre-marital counselling. Enter Super-J (that's me!!) who swoops in to save the day! I got ordained (YUP!!! How crazy is that?!), planned a mini wedding, planned a bachelorette party, and actually did some work on Friday. Suh-WEET!!!
So..back to the bachelorette party:

As evidenced above, we had a great time! Aunt Jessa got her girlie tiara and the rest of us had mini tiaras and leis. Hey-It was the best I could do in short notice!!

I am truly honored that Aunt Jessa and Uncle Josh were trusting enough to let me perform their ceremony. I tried to infuse some humor into the vows but also make them meaningful for the couple. JJ (as Popop calls them) giggled, teared up, and flat out laughed as they made their promises to each other. There were times that I choked up and Aunt Jessa had to yell at me to "Pull it together" and then there were times that I had to remind her to pull it together. One of our absolute favorite pictures (I will add it on here as soon as I get a copy) is right after I pronounced them husband and wife. Jess hugged me and we just cried like little girls.  One of the most special moments of that day for me was hugging Uncle Josh afterwards. I'll leave our conversation between the two of us (I'll treat it as a confessional since I'm now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church! LOL!!) but it truly touched me and made me cry.

The little touches:
 Jess walked down the aisle on Popop Randy's arm to "Hallelujah" and choked up as soon as she figured out what the song was.
Jess carried a bouquet from Hyvee that we had wrapped in purple ribbon (fav color) and hung a little ceramic plaque that said "Congrats" on it.
Even though the decorations were minimal (two tissue paper pomander balls hanging from Sheppard's hooks signifying the altar) they were beautiful and added a special touch.
After updating their facebook statuses and first kiss (IN THAT ORDER!!) we popped a bottle of pink champagne and made a toast to the new couple.

<3<3<3

Trouble Makers For Life!!

Best Friends Forever!!!

Dad & Aunt Jessa

We celebrated at Red Robin..YUM!!!!

Serendipitous encounter

D and I have been educating ourselves on other cultures because we know there is a high probability that we will have the opportunity to adopt a baby from a culture other than ours.  I've been reading up on transracial adoptions on this blog and what strikes me the most is that a lot of people are talking about preserving the AA culture and incorporating it into your life if you adopt an AA child but no one gives examples of what the AA culture is. D and I were a little worried that we would be passed over for an AA child because we are white, live in a white community, and are surrounded by mostly white friends.
Fast forward to Monday morning at 9 am. Our office opens at 8:30 and I rarely schedule an appointment at 9 because I like to have some time in the morning to get my day planned out and prepare for other meetings. at 8:56 the door swings open and a rich, melodic voice announces that he is here to see me. Nancy, the office manager, lets me know that my 9 am appointment is here as I'm frantically scrambling to pull up my calendar and get his papers together. (I swear the calendar says the appointment is at 10!)
I welcomed Kevin into my office and we sit down and start to talk. I like to connect with my clients before I try and sell them something. I want to let them know that I'm not just looking for their money but to get to know them and to create a bond.  Kevin and I start talking about his weekend (which was rough) and I felt a true connection to this man. Kevin  seemed like he could see through me to every issue I was having and I felt myself opening up to him about our hesitancy to jump back into church when we still had questions that were unanswered, about our infertility struggles, and about our jump into the adoption waters.Kevin and I talked about how to raise a baby that was ethnically different from me and I truly believe that it doesn't matter what color skin I have or what color skin my baby will have as long as I raise him/her with a strong sense of right and wrong and raise them to be compassionate to all of mankind.
Kevin shared a story with me that really reaffirmed my belief that we were on the right track. A few years ago he had worked for a big company making VERY good money. He had a call from a client who was distraught and talking about making very bad decisions that would hurt her and the people around her. Kevin listened to this woman and her story touched him. He gave her the number to his pastor and a few weeks later came in for his normal shift and was promptly given the boot. Suddenly Kevin was unemployed and angry that God had let this happen. He railed at God, cried and asked why this was happening to him. A few days later he was asked to foster one child...then later another child, and the requests kept coming. Kevin sat down one day and looked at his bills and realized that he was now doing what he loved full time and making more than he had at his job. Even though it hurt to lose his job and he didn't understand it at that point, Kevin realized that losing his job was one of the best things that could have happened to him.
I'm reaffirmed that our infertility, while painful and heartbreaking, is a way for God to lead us to the child he has chosen for us-be it any shade of brown, pink, or tan.

Red, yellow, black & white. They are precious in MY sight!

The Holstee Manifesto is my reminder that life is happening NOW and if you're focused on the past or the future you're going to miss out on NOW.
"Live your dream and share your passion"