For You are who You are no matter where I am

Music moves me. A well written verse can stick with me and make me contemplate my situations and my reactions to them. Since playing Adams Wilson on repeat I have started to incorporate some of my old favorites back into my rotation. Now I remember why I stopped listening to them. They strike a chord deep inside of me and force me to grow (or stop listening to them). 

I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining...
Casting Crowns "Praise You In This Storm"

So often D and I have cried in pain, frustration, anger and jealousy over our infertility. "It's not fair!" "We would be excellent parents!" These phrases have come out of our mouths so often they are like well worn worry stones; the syllables rounded from use and comfortable to say.
We used to think that our God would miraculously step in and save the day and we would find ourselves preparing for children. For years we said "Amen" through tears and later through gritted teeth. Until one day we just couldn't do it anymore and we stopped going to church. We cut ties with all the friends we had made and our church family and decided that we were done with the kind of God that would let people hurt when they didn't need to.
We tried to say that it was because no one called when D was in the hospital or because people we had loved didn't have anything better to say at Grandma's funeral than "I'm sorry."  In reality we were spoiled toddlers in our faith and after having asked a million times and not received the answer we wanted we decided to go away and sulk.   Aunt Jessa's daughter, Doodle, has been angry with me once. She had done something and I scolded her and she was angry. She walked up to me and crossed her arms over her chest and said "We're not best friends anymore!" then stomped away. Yeah...we basically did that to God.

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
(Same song..same band)

I've tried to be still and hear God's voice. I fall asleep. My attention gets pulled in 100 different directions. OOOH!! SQUIRREL!!! My mom would say that is the handiwork of the Debil!! (Use your Kathy Bate's Waterboy voice!!) I think it hurt more that I never heard the great Almighty's voice comfort me. Almost 4 years later I'm beginning to think that I wasn't listening closely enough. Maybe instead of laying in bed in silence I should have paid attention to the feeling in the pit of my stomach during worship service. Or really thought about why those simple words above are enough to make me cry.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
(Once again...same song..same band. Sense a theme here?)

I was raised in a "religious" house. My mother and grandmother are bible thumpers from way back. "Pray about it" was one of the most commonly used "Jesus-isms" in my house aside from "Praise JEE-susss!!"  When I moved out I revolted against God and church and my mother. I stumbled in my faith which was never very strong to begin with. I felt I couldn't find my way; I felt like I was drowning and I would never find peace.
Grandma brought D and I to church (long story..) and we felt like we were home. I felt like I had found a family. I grew in my faith and felt the support it gave me in tough times. Then we struggled to have children and I walked away again. It's hard to have faith in a God when you are hurting and you feel He's turned His back. It's hard to open yourself up to hearing His voice in the middle of your storm. It's much easier to turn Pandora on and listen to music and squelch all those feelings down and pretend it doesn't matter. And then an unexpected song comes on that speaks directly to me. I am going to make the conscious decision to work through this.

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

(Do I need to say it again?!)  

Love and Marriage

Aunt Jessa, Popop, and I had a wine night scheduled for last Friday night that turned into an impromptu bachelorette party. I want to set everyone straight right now-I AM NOT A DRINKER! I get a sniff of wine and turn bright red (as you will see in pictures below!) and I know my limits. I will occasionally have a glass of wine with friends but I was all about the spinach & artichoke cheese and fresh bread on Friday night. That wine I'm holding-same glass almost all night!

Aunt Jessa just wanted the pictures to end and I had already had 1/2 a glass of wine resulting in a bright pink face!

I received an email from Aunt Jessa saying that she and Uncle Josh wanted to tie the knot on Saturday...keep in mind that I received the email on FRIDAY! Since the wondrous state of Nebraska doesn't make it difficult to get married (unless you are a same sex couple apparently), Aunt Jessa was able to get the marriage certificate on Friday night and just had to find someone to perform the ceremony. That was the tricky part. We needed someone who was ordained to pronounce them husband and wife and sign the marriage certificate. After several calls, I found ZERO judges available on such short notice and no ministers who were willing to join these two in marriage without a) being paid or b) having them complete pre-marital counselling. Enter Super-J (that's me!!) who swoops in to save the day! I got ordained (YUP!!! How crazy is that?!), planned a mini wedding, planned a bachelorette party, and actually did some work on Friday. Suh-WEET!!!
So..back to the bachelorette party:

As evidenced above, we had a great time! Aunt Jessa got her girlie tiara and the rest of us had mini tiaras and leis. Hey-It was the best I could do in short notice!!

I am truly honored that Aunt Jessa and Uncle Josh were trusting enough to let me perform their ceremony. I tried to infuse some humor into the vows but also make them meaningful for the couple. JJ (as Popop calls them) giggled, teared up, and flat out laughed as they made their promises to each other. There were times that I choked up and Aunt Jessa had to yell at me to "Pull it together" and then there were times that I had to remind her to pull it together. One of our absolute favorite pictures (I will add it on here as soon as I get a copy) is right after I pronounced them husband and wife. Jess hugged me and we just cried like little girls.  One of the most special moments of that day for me was hugging Uncle Josh afterwards. I'll leave our conversation between the two of us (I'll treat it as a confessional since I'm now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church! LOL!!) but it truly touched me and made me cry.

The little touches:
 Jess walked down the aisle on Popop Randy's arm to "Hallelujah" and choked up as soon as she figured out what the song was.
Jess carried a bouquet from Hyvee that we had wrapped in purple ribbon (fav color) and hung a little ceramic plaque that said "Congrats" on it.
Even though the decorations were minimal (two tissue paper pomander balls hanging from Sheppard's hooks signifying the altar) they were beautiful and added a special touch.
After updating their facebook statuses and first kiss (IN THAT ORDER!!) we popped a bottle of pink champagne and made a toast to the new couple.

<3<3<3

Trouble Makers For Life!!

Best Friends Forever!!!

Dad & Aunt Jessa

We celebrated at Red Robin..YUM!!!!

Que screaming girls..Adams Wilson has released a new CD!!!!

Open this link in a new tab to listen to the new album!

MY FAVORITE BAND....EVER has put up a new blog!!!!!! I am sooooo uber excited about it that I could pee myself!!!

Back in 2007 D & I were attending an awesome church and really hitting our spiritual stride. We had come to peace with our pasts (Whoa, buddy! That was a LAAARGE pill to swallow) and thinking that we could move forward towards our future that our God had surely laid out for us all nice and neat in a beautiful package. A future that included children...A future that was beautiful and easy. (Boy, were we W.R.O.N.G!) After attending one of the young adults groups we met Adams (Yes..with an 's' on the end as in plural even though it was just one Adam(s)...if it bugs you, just pretend that he's two people!) and he gave me a copy of his first CD "Irrelevant Truth" with one of my absolute favorite songs, If Ever, on it. I must have worn a hole in that disk I listened to it so much.

In case you don't know me very well, I'll fill you in on a little secret but you HAVE to promise not to laugh at me..I'm a big cry baby. I'm the girl you find in the bathroom with tears streaming down her face from a church sermon; I'm the kind of person that tears up whenever something really and truly speaks to me..Hallmark commercials...poetry...and especially music. Adams' music has ALWAYS had that effect on me.
(An excerpt from 4:05 off of Irrelevant Truth)
Do you regret me
A thorn in your side
Or do you see everything
In Your time?
Cause tonight my screams are whispers
And my lies are small and white
Tonight I feel like emptiness
is just a state of mine

As I reread these lyrics that I've heard at least 1,000,000 I'm tearing up a little bit. This disc was given to me at a time when I felt like I was empty; like I was hollow and nothing could fill me up. D & I were on the brink of serious issues and it was nice to know that I wasn't the only person who felt this way. This song comforted me because if Adams, a member of the worship team and awesome Christian could feel this way than maybe I wasn't so alone.

A few years later, the title song of Irrelevant Truth really spoke to where D & I were in our marriage and actually helped me give D the space and time he needed.  Needless to say, this album is and was a favorite of mine and continuously in my rotation (Up until it finally died a few months ago. I'm going to need to purchase it and you should too! http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/adamswilson)

D & I walked away from church and shied away from Christianity as a whole for a long while. We had issues with the idea of a divine Deity who loved and cared for each one of his children. D & I had a lot of anger over our infertility and blamed it on God. It devastated us and shook us to our core. We started to question everything we believed and the song Dear Jesus off of Adams' second album My Best Guess swirled around and around in my head. This CD has been on auto play in my office for the past few weeks and I still identify with it.

Dear Jesus
I'm feeling so tired
Come back in a while
I'm waiting in line
for the outside world
I gave it a try
Yeah that is my line
I'm waving goodbye
From the outside world
(Dear Jesus from My Best Guess - 2008ish)
D & I are slowly picking up the pieces where we dropped them after being crushed by the need to be a "Perfect Christian", and we know that there is no such thing. I'll admit it, I'll be a big girl and say it out loud for anyone who has felt this way. The pressure to never question every word written in the Bible and put on the front of "Happy, Perfect Christian" is weighty.  We felt that we weren't allowed to grieve the loss of our natural born family or be angry at God or the situation we were in and it was one of the leading factors of our decision to leave our church. Just an FYI, people- "Pray about it" isn't a good answer. If one more person (YES, THIS INCLUDES YOU, MOM) tells me to "Pray about it" I will explode on you. Take it as a warning!

My Best Guess set my fears and questions about my life and my God to music. I am forever grateful to Adams and the whole band for being. Not for just for making music or for being brave enough to actually take a good honest look at their lives and religion and let me be a voyeur into their private thoughts but for just being themselves and not trying to be anyone else. Yes..I know it sounds cheesy but I'm being honest here and you know what? I have the sharing stick! You all can suck it until I give the sharing stick up!

And I never heard the words
But I felt you change my heart
And though the shadows turn
I'll trust in who you are
(Just Waiting from Irrelevant Truth)

Even though I've questioned everything I've ever believed I truly feel that my heart and life has been changed by my faith. Now as D & I wait and ache and hope and pray and wait some more for our heart's desire I'll trust that there is a plan...even if I question it.
I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my soon to be favorite new CD but for now I make myself happy by continuously playing the music available on ReverbNation. I could never say enough good things about Adams Wilson. If my life were a musical, Adams Wilson would be the soundtrack. CHECK THEM OUT PEOPLE!!!!!

In honor of Aunt Jessa who told me to never stop taking pictures of myself with post its...and Adams Wilson-the band that rocks enough to play them at work!!!!