Baby Girl...Part 2

Well...she's been weighing heavily on my mind lately so I figure I might as well tell the rest of it.

Read PART ONE first!!
After these visits with Baby Girl, we wanted to move forward legally. I don't want to be a glorified babysitter; I want to be a MOTHER. My good friend, Racean (pronounced RAY-shawn), was in constant contact with me and Baby Girl's aunt. Racean and I talked it over and decided that if I would take the youngest (Baby Girl) of the siblings she would take the other THREE. Racean is truly an angel. You have to understand that at this point she already had 4? of her own, twins on the way and a goddaughter that frequently lived with her. And yet she was still ready to take on THREE other kids!!!
We agreed that we would let the kids talk to each other every night, alternate sleepover weekends where each family would take turns taking all the kids, attend Racean's church every Sunday, get together every holiday and we would aim for 2-3 family dinners every month. That's a LOT of compromise there. We would be seeing Racean and Baby Girl's family 1-2 times every week and at least 8-10 times per month. We had a game plan and we were going to give some little kids some MUCH needed love, attention, and a home that wanted them.
It broke my heart every time I dropped BG off at her aunt's house. She would be shuffled into the room that she shared with her older sister and two older brothers that had an A.L.A.R.M. on the door that sounded every time someone opened it. Yes, those kids were prisoners in their aunt's house. I was there for dinner one day and the aunt's children had McDonald's for dinner while BG & her siblings had 2 slices of salami on white bread and water for dinner. WTF?! Who treats kids like that???? I don't care if you don't like the kids; they're still children that rely on you for everything!!!!
Racean and I spoke to the case worker on this case and told them we would like to adopt them and that we had a game plan. I made it very clear that I understand there is a cultural difference between me and my future daughter but I had a plan to help her remain in touch with her roots and her family and her culture. I explained how I had learned to do her hair and take care of her skin. I let them know that I understood the dirty looks that I was going to receive when I took her out to the park, the mall, the restaurant. D & I understood that there were always going to be whispers behind hands from people who were TRYING to be tactful and full on stares or rude comments from people who were ignorant. None of that matters when it comes to love. I loved this little girl like she was my own. I was prepared to take care of this little girl like she had come from my "lady garden" while acknowledging that she was the daughter of another mother. We were even prepared to keep the family ties with her first family and add them to our family.
These ladies sat in my living room drinking iced tea and nibbling on the fruit tray I put out smiling and nodding their heads. Racean and I explained how we were going to practically co-parent so the kids wouldn't feel like they were separated. Then they dropped a bomb on us. If we wanted Baby Girl, we had to take the youngest boy. Uh..say what? This isn't a sale at Younkers...there shouldn't be any fine print. We're not expecting a BOGO event here, people...we're talking about kids who need homes and people who are willing to give them!
My mind works fast...sometimes way faster than D's does. I said that we would think about it and do a visit with him this coming weekend. D has always wanted a son; I have always wanted a daughter. This would be almost perfect. Baby Girl was the sweetest little thing on Earth; she was so eager to please and hungry for attention and love and if her brother was anything like her I would be honored to have him as a son too!
Fast forward to the end of the week. D & I are excited to get our kids and get on with our plans for the weekend which included tickets to a football game.
Game didn't go well and the little boy was hell on 2 tiny feet. I swear he wanted to drown in the indoor pool! He kept leaving the floatie to jump off the step as far away from me as possible. Let me tell ya something...little kids can MOVE! As we were walking away from the pool, he let go of my hand and jumped back into the pool. I am 250 ISH pounds and not prone to running...it makes my boobs bounce too much and that crap HURTS! I hauled ass and jumped in after him only to see Baby Girl come flying in after us. That brings me to parenting lesson #2: DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN ONE TODDLER TO THE POOL WITH OUT ADDITIONAL ADULTS. This kid was unruly and hell bent on tearing up anything he could from papers in the car to clothing to my cats! When he was with Baby Girl all he did was torment her. He would pinch her, bend her fingers back, pull her hair, smack her, steal her food, bite her. I swear I spend that entire weekend trying to keep him off of her. I knew there was no way I could handle the two of them together so Racean and I made a plan. After the adoptions were finalized, I would sign custody over to her and she would take the little boy. She wanted him because he LOVED her and Chuck (her husband) and they already had a special bond. I'm not sure why the case workers were ok with splitting the kids up in 2 and 2 but not in 3 and 1.
Then we found out that it wasn't even an option. Because D & I are white. Yup. Mama found out that we were white and raised hell. Apparently she's ok with her kids being treated horribly but not ok with them being raised by a white girl. Oh, and BTW...Racean...Yeah..she isn't white. So I'd be spending damn near 1/2 my month with Racean's family and that still wasn't good enough.
Bitter? Not any more but my heart does still ache for my brown skinned not-daughter.

What have you done for your BM/FM lately?

I was surfing around the ol' interwebs...ya know, like I do and came across a really inspiring charity that focuses on one of the most ignored parts of the triad: the Birthmother/First mother. In all my research, I've come across many sites and groups supporting adoptive parents and adopted children but nothing that wasn't through an adoption agency for birthmothers. I haven't seen many pages that support the birthmother AFTER the adoption. She tends to just fade into the background while the new parents coo over their babies and that may not be what actually happens (so feel free to tell me what you did with/for/to your BM/FM in the weeks or first months of your adoption) but that is mostly what I'm seeing.
From the day we decided that D & I were going to adopt we knew that we wanted our BM/FM to be part of our family. My heart goes out to these women making a huge sacrifice and putting themselves through years of emotional pain and suffering to give their child a better life. Maybe it's just because I'm PMSing but it bothers me to think of these women tired from giving birth, riding the post-birth emotional roller coaster and feeling isolated or alone. Thankfully, Blessings In a Basket has their backs. BIB sends baskets to birthmothers with all kinds of thoughtful supplies like journals, candles, lotions and feel good products to be delivered to their hospital room or home or where ever. The baskets are FREE to BMs/FMs!! How awesome is that?! Ashley Mitchell, the founder of BIB, is a birthmother herself and knows what it feels like After and decided to take control of her life and make an impact on others. She also has a Big Tough Girl Retreat for these women to go to and heal, a Big Tough Girl 5K Run to bring awareness and support to her "Big Tough Girls", and Monthly Support Groups for these amazing women to get together and talk, share and heal.

Amazing, right?! Ok...so I need your help. To keep this amazing organization running it takes money. If everyone who has adopted would make a donation in honor of their BM/FM we could help make baskets available to all birthmoms/first moms. Consider sponsoring a basket for a birthmom/first mom for $100. Make a donation of ANY amount. Purchase a Big Tough Girl shirt for your Big Tough Girl. If you're that strapped for cash, send Ashley an email and tell her how wonderful she is. April is a tough month for her and we could make it a little easier. Let's go girls!! After the amazing sacrifice that has blessed our lives, shouldn't we return that ($)100 fold?!

One of the fabulous baskets that are given freely

Better late than never!! My Open Adoption Bloggers Interview

I had the AMAZING opportunity to have an e-chat with an all around awesome mom thanks to Heather as part of the Open Adoption Bloggers Project.

. Notice I didn’t say “Adoptive Mom” or “Birth Mom” or “First Mom”. These modifiers cast a shadow on what an awesome opportunity it is to be a MOM. Whether you birthed a child but didn’t raise them or raised a child but didn’t birth them doesn’t change the fact that you are still a very important part of someone’s life. I love that the Open Adoption Interview Project incorporates so many different types of Moms! It offers a great chance to see how others handle situations and allows us to open our minds a little. As a newbie to adoptions and blogging, I’m honored to be a part of this project!

Courtney’s children are lucky to have her as a guiding light, a friend, a mentor, and a shining personality that can’t be hidden in the shadows….which I’m sure they will just LOVE as teenagers!!! J Had l not been 800 miles away from Courtney, I could imagine sitting down for a cup of tea and possibly some funky vegan treats with her. She has such a WARM, friendly personality and I was immediately comfortable talking to her!

Without further a-do, let me introduce Mama Courtney, mother of 4, vegan, and all around funky chick!

Q: Did you choose to adopt all special needs children for a reason?

A: Well, not exactly. When we first adopted our (now four year old) daughter (Beauty) from Guatemala, we knew we would be given very limited medical information and even less family history. When she arrived in the US at exactly nine months of age, she functioned much like a two month old. She was so behind developmentally, she couldn't even hold her head up when placed on her stomach. Even now, she "measures" about a year behind. We kind of jumped head first into advocating for her; when the time arose where we started thinking about adopting again, the term "special needs" was at the forefront of our minds.

Q: What is your “Cause”? Everyone has one..what do you advocate for and why?

A: I'd be hard-pressed to pick only one. Due to Sunshine, I'm hugely into raising awareness of Shaken Baby Syndrome. We also donate monthly to the hospital where Little Flower was born (and spent over two months of her life). Ultimately, though, I advocate for my kids. Sometimes I don't make a lot of friends in doing so, but I will never settle for less than absolutely anything and everything they need.

Q: Are your adoptions Open/Closed/Something in between?

A: My husband, K., adopted our son, and up until recent months, I kept in very loose contact with Bear's biological father (although he never mentioned any desire to meet Bear). Beauty is adopted from Guatemala and her adoption is completely closed. Sunshine is being adopted from the foster care system, and we maintain communication with her step-grandma and grandpa (amazing people). Little Flower's adoption is by far the most open; we are in regular contact with her mom and maternal grandparents (they are fantastic; we are so lucky to consider them all a part of our family). We keep a public photo-sharing account with a POTD (photo of the day) of LF and have done so since the day she joined our family. We get to see LF's (first) family every few months (on average) and it is awesome beyond words.

Q: What is your biggest day to day challenge?

A: Probably budgeting for unexpected expenses. If not budgeting, let's just sum it up by saying "school day mornings". It is absolute chaos around here from the hours of, say, 5:30-7:30AM. But I wouldn't have it any other way!

Q: How did you fund your adoptions?

A: We only had to actively fund Beauty's adoption. We took out a personal loan that was quite extensive. Suffice to say, it will be a long, long time before it's paid in full. LF's adoption was "reduced rate" due to her special needs, and adopting from the state has been--for all intents and purposes--free.

Q: What constitutes a good day for you?

A: Every day is a good day for me. I'm just happy to be alive, taking it all in, soaking up my babies, spending this life with my soulmate. I try not to let stresses get too deeply under my skin. I figure that we only have one chance in this life to make it count, and being that it is so precious and so fleeting...I try to make the best of every day. To be sure, I have my moments where I lose sight, but I try to stay focused on the awesomeness. :)

Q:  Do you believe in signs?

A: I am a strong believer in fate. I don't believe that much is left to chance. I think everyone who enters someone's life (regardless of whether they stay or leave at some point) is there because he/she was meant to be. 

Q:  What are your top 5 favorite songs right now?

A:

1. "I and Love and You" (The Avett Brothers)

2. "Paradise" (Coldplay)

3. "I Belong To You / Mon Cœur S'ouvre à Ta Voix" (Muse)

4. "Your Ghost" (Tori Amos)

5. "Perfect Halves" (The Ashtray Hearts)

Q: What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

A: I think the best compliment I've ever received is when someone told me they felt that I made a lifelong difference in their world. I also never tire of hearing people tell me my kids have good manners (music to my ears!) or are adorable ('cause, you know, they are ;).

Q: What do you think that we could all do to help bring awareness to comments about our journey to parenthood ?

A: I guess it depends on to which kind of comments you are referring. I think that, on a whole, people (especially strangers) are well-intentioned but a little too forthcoming in their questioning as to how you anticipate building your family. I've found that many people seem to take it upon themselves to share their (unasked and undesired) opinion where our "family plan" is/was concerned. I've also had people straight up ask me if we're rich since we were adopting (we're not), how much it cost (who says that?!), or if I can't have a baby biologically (I can, or at least I'd assume I can again--I have no reason to think otherwise). I wish that people were more sensitive and enthusiastic and less judgmental, but that's pretty much true for all facets of conversation/life, IMHO.

Q: What is your OFF LIMIT subject?  Why?

A: Abortion. I'm staunchly pro-choice and have a very hard time accepting the viewpoints of pro-lifers while keeping my cool. I tend to steer clear of politics as well, unless I'm certain the individual with whom I'm speaking is a (very) liberal democrat like myself.

Q: What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for your family?

A: Two people--we barely knew them as acquaintances at the time--bought our family a gorgeous green wheelchair accessible van. As in "bought it outright". They blessed us in the most amazing way and even now...it still floors me to think of it. We weren't sure how we were going to get Sunshine to and from; her kid cart (weighing in at a respectable 83.3 pounds) barely fit in the back of our minivan. I couldn't lift it in by myself, so travel without K. was all but impossible. These two amazing individuals--in my blog I refer to them as The Van Angels--changed our world in a million different ways with their selfless generosity. I'm tearing up just typing out these very words. It's amazing that people like this even exist in this world, truly.

Q: Why should people adopt?

A: This is a tough one for me. When we started the adoption process (for the first time), I was very innocent and naive as a whole. I really ate up the agency propaganda and felt it was a "good" thing to do--both for us/our family and for the child. My personal thoughts now? Adoption is still a good thing--when it's absolutely necessary. I think family should always be given the option first and then if all else fails, an adoptive family should be found. I think the focus really needs to shift from "finding a child for a family" to "finding a family for a child". Suffice to say, I am a huge advocate for foster care adoption.

Q: When did you know you were going to adopt?

A: I always had a feeling I would one day be an adoptive mom. For as long as I can remember, it (the feeling) was just *there*. We put our first adoption plan into place after finding out that K. and I are both carriers of the Cystic Fibrosis gene. More on that in my next answer, though...

Q: Why did you adopt?

A: Oh, man. How much time do you have? ;) In short, we decided to adopt after finding we were both CF carriers. While I was pregnant with our son, I tested positive as a carrier for CF. My son's biological father (who voluntarily relinquished parental rights/has never even met Bear) tested negative. Knowing we wanted a larger family, my husband (we married while I was pregnant) was tested before Bear was even born. He too is a carrier. Any child born to us would have a 25% chance of being born with Cystic Fibrosis. Our options were as follows: "chancing" it, donor insemination, IVF, or adoption. The decision was a no brainer for us.

Q: What is your favorite food?

A: Tough one! I love most things tofu, vegan cinnamon rolls, vegan pizza balls (pockets), brown rice, most veggies, etc. I'm pretty flexible. Well, sans the whole meat-dairy-eggs thing. :)

Q: How do you eat your eggs?

A: I don't. :) I adhere to a vegan diet and I looooove it.

Q: What is your secret Mommy trick to quite your kids when they are crazy loud?

A: My secret, never-fail trick? The Quiet Game. My kids--for whatever reason--LOVE it. The pretense is pretty simple: the first person to make any sort of sound automatically loses. Both of my older kids have a friendly competitive streak so neither one ever wants to lose. It usually diffuses the situation and buys me at least a few moments of silence (and that can go a long way!).

Q: What are the colors of your living room?

A: My house is a tri-level and our living room, dining room, and kitchen are on the "main level". Both my living and dining room are white with beige accents--very plain. This was my deliberate act to "offset" my kitchen; I have a teal oven and range from--legit--1964 and I painted all my walls (and cabinets) jet black. Oh, make that black with teal skulls. Love skulls.  (How cool is that?!?!) Yeah, I'm a little eccentric, I know.

Q: Give me 20 words that describe you/your family and all of your names.

A: Twenty words that describe me/my family:

1. loving

2. opinionated

3. close-knit

4. loyal

5. innovative

6. flexible

7. stubborn (we've all got a streak of it in us ;)

8. resourceful

9. open (to life, to each other, to possibility)

10. fluid

11. chaotic (especially in the morning!)

12. devoted

13. thoughtful

14. spiritual

15. expressive

16. determined (a good and bad thing, to be sure!)

17. loud (mouthed)

18. tenderhearted (admittedly, I'm more of a bleeding heart myself, but whatever)

19. grateful (for each other, our friends and family, all that we have)

20. joyous ('cause that's just how we roll :)

And the family roster, at least as far as "teh internetz" are concerned:

I'm Courtney (which is my real name), my husband is K., my five year old son is Bear, my four year old daughter is Beauty, my three year old daughter is Sunshine, and my two year old daughter is Little Flower

Make sure you check out Courtney and her site: http://blog.lovewilllead.com/

It's official!!!

D & I sat down last night and filled out the application for Lutheran Family Services and D is dropping it off today!!!! That's right peeps, we have taken one of the first official steps towards adopting! I want to thank all the people who have dedicated their blogs to their adoptions and anyone who has answered a question about open adoption for me. You have ALL helped educate me and it truly showed when I answered the questions on the application. While the application was tough, I believe that it may be the easiest part of this whole process! Thank you for sharing in my excitement with me!!
We also picked the picture that will define us as a couple throughout this process. It will be the picture that gets attached to our application, be the cover of our adoption profile and be my new profile picture.

Not only is it one of our favorite pictures from our photo shoot with Christie Eck last year, we feel that it gives a glimpse into our personalities as well. It says "Hi!! We're fun, and quirky. Our favorite season is fall and we are secure enough and love each other enough to be silly together!" To be honest...the smiles were genuine, we both had our eyes open and it is bound to be different (and therefore stand out) than all of the other pictures.

D & I are trying not to agonize over every little detail and just enjoy our life as it is. We don't always feel empty, like we're missing a piece.  D & I have an upcoming Blue October concert, a trip to Nebraska City, and both of our birthdays within the next few weeks. After that, D starts his crazy overtime schedule for the holidays and I won't see much of him (awake and in a good mood!) until a few days after Christmas.

So help me God, Glee!!!

Oh, HELL NO, Glee!!! I know you did not just scare the sh*t out of all adoptive parents and those considering adoption in your audience. Did Quinn SERIOUSLY just say she was going to "get full custody" of the daughter she put up for adoption over a year ago?! Do any of your writers actually THINK the ramifications of your story line through?! I know..I know..It's just a tv show. But it's NOT..not when it has a 7.5 MILLION viewer base!!
This episode casts the adoptive mother as evil. How dare she withold Quinn's DAUGHTER from her birthmother who is obviously going through some emotional issues that isn't in a condition to see a young child?! Yes, that's obviously a horrible decision. Gah!!!!
Let's talk not even talk about Quinn screaming that the adoptive mother isn't her "real" mother and that no matter how hard she tried she never would be.
Glee, you have disappointed me and type cast birthmothers as bitter, children hurling hurtful words and adoptive mothers as evil women trying to hoard all of the child's time. Good job, Glee. Good job at tarnishing what would have been a chance to educate people about an open adoption instead of scaring the pants off of my husband. Whoo...you suck!
Join the petition to have Glee rethink it's adoption story line!! Sign the petition!